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Shallow Thoughts
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Shallow Thoughts
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Anon.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
On an elevator, grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
On an elevator, stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
On an elevator, stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell. Roseanne Barr
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was just sick." -George Burns
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." --Yogi Berra
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -Dorothy Parker
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"Oo-ee, oo-an-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla bing-bang.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.
You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.
Of course I can keep secrets - it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them.
"I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy for the rest of your life." - W.C. Fields (in reply to an accusation of drunkenness)
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
All men are idiots...and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Honk! If you want to see my finger.
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." --Fran Lebowitz
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
"Reality continues to ruin my life." - Calvin and Hobbes
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
More Shallow Thoughts....
God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.~Lilt and Lin
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
A 14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push!
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
Let's face the obvious. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer."
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.
I heard you had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
You can't tell a book by its movie.
Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Music: a complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, followed by the audience.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see those guys way over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their finals.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
A few more Shallow Thoughts...
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life doesn't just begin at forty; it also begins to show then.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
"That's the stupidest story I ever heard--and I've read the entire 'Sweet Valley High' series!"
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are OK, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The chickens have come home to roast.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
Lets go to my place and do things I'm going to tell everyone we did anyway.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh no ... I could be eating a slow learner."
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world? Only three. The rest are true stories.
Don't go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!
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