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1950 Home Economics
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for
married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have
a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know
that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about
his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the
prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon
in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main
part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up
school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the
tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and
order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage
the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a
warm smile.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor
compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm
drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his
shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow
him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be
home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your
day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message
regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets
him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an
opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on
your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you
from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't
forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her
that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children
can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to
watch television or play Nintendo video games. After all, both
of them are from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives,
be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints.
Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more
attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the
leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him
to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if
he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a
friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously
he's wrong, it revolves around you.
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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
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15 Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too
old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Yo momma so fat:
~When her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
~People jog around her for exercise.
~She went to the movies and sat next to everyone
~She goes to a restaurant looks at the menu and says "okay!"
~When she wears a yellow raincoat, people say "Taxi"!
~She had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
~She got to iron her pants on the driveway
~She put on lipstick with a paint-roller
~When she tripped on 4th ave, she landed on 12th
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide turn"
~When she gets on the scale it says to be continued
~She's got her own area code
~She looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
~When she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A. , Chicago....
~Even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
~She wakes up in sections!
~When she jumps up in the air, she gets stuck!
~When I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas
~The animals at the zoo feed her
~She stands in 2 time zones
~The National Weather Agency had to assign names to her farts
~When she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
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Girls' English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later!
"We need to talk" = I need to bitch.
"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you stupid moron!
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today your not going to like me for.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!
Guy's English
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired " - I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
"You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
"I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegel for you to have sex with other guys.
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